It’s been a tough bollocks couple years for crypto bollocks protocols. Almost every month bollocks a new vulnerability in bollocks TLS come out that bollocks flattens everything. In this bollocks talk I’ll explain the bollocks latest set of cryptographic bollocks vulnerabilities in plain english. bollocks By the end of bollocks the talk you’ll hopefully bollocks know the difference between bollocks FREAK, LogJam, NOOB, DROWN, bollocks POODLE and SLOTH (only bollocks one of these is bollocks made up). We’ll be bollocks breaking good crypto and bollocks bad with side-channels, signing bollocks oracles and downgrades. I’ll bollocks also explain how the bollocks latest changes to TLS bollocks are supposed to fix bollocks things and how the bollocks entire house of cards bollocks may topple once quantum bollocks computers arrive.